I need something to straighten out my hormones. Every month, before, during or after I get my period (it varies) I lose my focus on my recovery. My brain rationalizes things differently and instead of saying “stay away from G or S” it says, “live a little, Tracy. Stop being so hard on yourself. If you love G, enjoy him!”
I continue to set my story aside from all the other men and women I am recovering with. I tell myself that G is different. He loves me. It’s not like I’m fatal-attraction women or something and have to block myself from chasing him. He’s not married or dating anyone. Hell, he still has the “I Love You” that i wrote on his chalkboard and keeps all my gifts I’ve given him in the exact same spot I left them. He enjoys my presence. He seeks it out- though not often anymore. He said he has a Christmas gift for me. He asked if I wanted to help him build his barn. he wants to go into business with me. He’s never cheated on me. He’s been honest. But he has four issues that I cannot live with: smokes pot, has no libido, too independent (solitary), does not take care of his physical appearance. One two three four. The four things I cannot deal with and yet, I stay emotionally attached to him.
I tell myself we are only friends. That intimately we are done. And for the most part we are. And yet, there’s something inside me that still screams for closeness with him. Sometimes. Not always.
In all the years I’ve known him (4) he has never once broken up with or left me. I am the one that keeps leaving him. So, what’s the big deal if I go back for a while, I think. Even when I was with S I thought of G. I’m unable to move away. At least, at this point in the month.
So i don’t know how to solve this problem. Is it an issue of “love addiction” or is it an issue of hormones?
I wrote S an email the other day but never sent it and probably never will. I FEEL that way now, but who knows what will happen when I am deeper into my monthly emotional storm. It is the time of the month that the devil comes out and wreaks havoc and then the angel is left, once again, to clean up the mess. Look what you’ve done to yourself, once again, girl? the angel says. And the devil laughs.
I’ve started this thread on the forums for people to remain committed to not contacting (NC) their PoAs. I truly want people to take NC seriously. And yet here I am, changing my definition of what NC is. Well…i am committed to NC as long as I don’t sleep with anyone. Or, I am upholding NC if I stay away from S and not G. But that’s kind of silly because I am not addicted to S like I am to G. Then I say, I am not addicted to anyone. I can take or leave either of them. And for the most part, that’s quite true. But if I can leave them, why can’t I stay away for good. And just be done with it? For two weeks out of the month, I can. For one week out of the month desire starts to build. And for the last week out of the month I am done. I act out, I get depressed, I’m miserable. I cause trouble. And so on.
My only solace is that this hormone shit will be done when I go through menopause. At least let’s hope!