There’s a loop that plays in my head over and over…

It happens when i’m in the shower, or alone at night, or having coffee in the morning. 
It goes like this:

I need to call him. Or email him and tell him I still care. I need for him to know I still care. I need to find out if he cares for me. If he loves me anymore. I’ll return the painting he painted for me. I’ll give it back not out of anger, but out of kindness. Here, this belongs to you. 

and then i think…

Why am i the one who is calling him, emailing him? Why can’t he email me? Because he’s too scared, too weak. He thinks I’m angry at him. I’m not! I’ll send him an email so that he knows I am not angry with him. I’ll make sure he knows that he can call or email me anytime! S, I just want you to know that you can call me anytime. It’s all water under the bridge. No anger. No sadness…no pain. . 

and then I remember…

No matter if he loves me or not, he still does drugs. He doesn’t want to give that up. He chose that over me. And i can’t have that in my life. I don’t want that in my life from a lover. No matter if he calls and emails me all day, he still lies. He’s still cold and detached. He’s still a narcissist. He is still many things that i do not want in my life. 

And so I let it go. Until the next time. And the loop plays over and over and over…until I get it. really get it. Until I understand the importance of really owning my part in this and trusting that I am making the right decision by staying away and moving on…