Getting hit hard

I’m not one to dump all my problems onto this blog here, but I cannot BELIEVE what i have had to endure within the past 3 weeks. My boy friend and i split. I had to pay $25K in federal taxes this year (not back taxes mind you) out of my own pocket, I lost more than HALF MY MONTHLY WAGES due to HUGE cutbacks at work, my roof in the kitchen is now leaking (i have a nice house and keep up with repairs but did NOT forsee this!)…I was in a complete panic about 3 hours ago, but i just re-worked my budget and figured out i will be OK and can cover all bills etc. but it will be super tight. I need to sue my ex-hubby for child support now (he’s never paid during the 4 years because i never asked for it) and he’s already getting aggressive with me. 

Bottom line: i ran to my PoA for support (not my ex boyfriend, but the previous one). I now see WHY i am so addicted to him and not this last guy. G really ALLOWS me to be addicted to him. I tell him what’s going on money-wise and he soothes me. He says, “You’ll be fine. we’ll make money together… we’ll start our horse farm like we always wanted to…” Gosh! When you’re down and out you believe almost anything. Within 20 minutes of a phone conversation he fed me all the dreams that i hoped for but never got…i ran to the diner and we hugged and talked some more and GOD it felt good. I felt loved. 

Of course, i quickly snapped out of la-la land and realized, hell…I can take care of myself. I’ll get a second job. I’ll sue my ex for child-support. I will be OK. I WILL be OK. It’s not the end of the world. And it’s certainly not a situation that G can help me solve. Though he did give me a huge pot of homemade tomato soup to take home for me and the kids. ) At any rate, I felt like i was slipping….

As i child i was both rich and poor. Sometimes rich. Sometimes poor. Depending on my father’s bank robbing skills or creativity in swindling the masses. Sometimes he pulled it off, other times he didn’t. SO i grew up with great uncertainty as to where our money would come from. 

I made sure to seek out security for myself when i married. And i have been living a very secure life. This, though, is bringing back ALL my old insecurities of not being able to take care of myself. Wanting to run to and depend on someone else. I need to recognize that this is where they separate the boys from the men…or rather, the girls from the women. I need to realize that i can take care of myself. And that i MUST. 

I sat down with my boys this afternoon and i told them what was going on, without going into too much detail. I said, we will be OK. This is not a time to worry. This is a time to realize our true strength as a family and that we can and will endure ANYTHING.

Let’s hope i can…

Btw, I am kinda proud of myself for not running to my ex. WHat’s stopping me? Pride, I guess. I don’t want him to know i am suffering. I gave him a lot of money and helped him out as much as I could because he was hurting. I did that out of love and compassion. But i do not want him to think that i am hurting and want to be paid back. I think if i told him, he’d feel guilt. So….in that sense, I feel good about myself. And i don’t feel all bad about running to G either. I still keep a wall up. Or at least i try.

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