I am back and need to be here and need to share my story with you. I am again, at the very beginning of a very new life.
My bf recently broke up with me and I suppose I was very ashamed of this, that i could not be the powerful person that i wanted to be for everyone here. And yet, Susan convinced me that sharing my story was even more important because despite losing the battle I think I may have won a war…
My bf left me to go back to a life of smoking pot. As many of you may know, pot is not just a drug. There’s a whole lifestyle that goes with it. When we first met I placed my boundaries up and proclaimed my values: i cannot get involved with anyone if they do drugs. In turn, he said to me that he wanted to quit. That wasn’t who he was anymore. “What kind of a person would I be, if I chose drugs over your love,” he said. And i thought i had found this amazing man. But it kept cropping up and he wanted to reintroduce it into his life. I fought it. I refused to allow it in my life. And that included the drug “culture” as well…listening to Grateful Dead tunes and glamorizing a life of being stoned and at one with the universe seemed pointless and immature to me. There was no growth there.
At any rate, long story short…he could not give it up. And I am sure he sensed my disapproval of who he was. I fell in love with the man he wanted to become…but he never quite made it. He chose instead to be the man who he always was underneath. So, when he told me that he needed to go his own way and that it wouldn’t work, I let him go. The relationship had run its course. NO hard feelings. No arguing. No long, drawn out drama. Just a peaceful talk that ended in me saying that I was more grateful that he had the courage to end this and be true to himself, than to drag out the relationship with lies and deception. I asked him not to be selfish and try and contact me. Just let me go. I asked him to not give me any hope. No contact is best. I believe he will respect this. If he does not and tries to draw me back in–I am done. I have my boundary up. It’s over.
I am numb all around. I am in a lot of pain. But i know that it is normal and healthy to have this pain and that it will pass….I am proud of myself, my friends, for never giving up my values. And mostly for always remaining true to myself through out. I have dignity. And i have hope in my positive thoughts. The relationship has ended but I am still here. I AM STILL HERE.
My struggles over the next several weeks will be many. I will no doubt go through a grieving process. It will be my biggest challenge yet to not fall into my old habit of looking for someone new to date so as to take the edge off or worse, go back to my old POA– though, to be honest, he is still in my life as a very good friend (no sex, no obsessing) and will remain with me until the friendship has run its course…
I have a gazillion resources. Mostly, i have the gym. I will exercise incessantly as that is the best thing for depression. Run, lift weights, bike…get it all out….I will read….lots of books. At the moment i am reading “Emotional Intelligence.” What an eye opener. Mostly i will seek God and positivity in my life. i will NOT lose myself. I will gain strength.
Sometimes being at the very bottom is almost a comforting feeling. It is a spiritual feeling. In ancient mythology after Medea lost her husband and children and her entire kingdom, the people asked her “What do you have left now, Medea?” And her answer was, “Now, I have myself…”