4 October—Very depressed. I didn’t talk to P all day yesterday, despite receiving two emails from him. The Prozac is definitely not saving me from feeling this.
I am at a very low point in thinking that I haven’t been honest with myself. That I am staying with P because he’s P. Because I don’t want people to see me as unstable, a loser who yet again has failed in the relationship department. Don’t get me wrong, I really like P. I love him. A lot. But, I’ve never felt a closeness with him like I did with, dare I say it, C. If I am to be brutally honest, I know P and I won’t work out. He’s far too troubled. Thing is, he tries.
I don’t know. On the one hand I feel desperate to have him back and I love him deeply. On the other, I feel like giving up and being alone. I feel like just getting it over with actually, with this lesson that I am supposed to learn. Deep down inside I know that this is the moment I’ve been trying to avoid my whole life. I know that this break up, no other, is the one that will change me. And yet, I just don’t want to change. I just want to keep holding on. I just want to be the past.
If I could only combined C’s superior communication skills, musical talents, confidence and excellent work ethic with P’s fabulous bad boy looks, great fashion sense, spirituality and charm, along with a big does of BM’s expertise in the bedroom, I would have the absolute perfect man. And truthfully, P is probably as perfect as they come. Thing is, I hate that I sleep alone every night, despite having a boyfriend. There’s something seriously wrong with that.
Maybe I am just ill-equipped at handling rejection (like Thursday night). And when he said he couldn’t be with me, I reacted like a toddler. I don’t know. The more I think about it, the more I think I reacted like a perfectly sane adult who is dating someone who just doesn’t love her.
Well, let’s hope this is the end of the obsessing. Or, perhaps it’s just the beginning. I don’t know. Right now I am leaning toward the more hopeful side of unknowing. There is the greatest potential for good in the unknown, and for pain and suffering. Only future Tracy knows which one she will get hit with hardest.