One of the things that always confused me about the “love addict” label was that, despite the fact that I could be considered “addicted to love”, that label never really addressed the gazillion other issues had. It was limited. For example, even without a guy around I was insecure, slightly paranoid, impatient, a bit controlling, and, if I’m to be completely honest, probably too chatty. To add to that list, I had virtually no interests outside of boys (except writing), I could be lazy, egocentric, pessimistic, needy, immature, prone to living in a fantasy world, oversensitive, wimpy, and I had zero work ethic. According to those fabulous traits, I could also be labeled ADHD, Borderline, Bipolar; maybe even narcissistic or depressed. Who knows.
I was definitely not what you would call a great catch, that’s for sure.
So where’s the surprise when I went out into the world to look for my “second half,” only to find avoidant, neglectful, pessimistic, egocentric, immature types who didn’t have much to offer? In my mind, I was this perfect goddess who needed no changing, but whose only problem was that there were no decent guys out there. And so, I settled, and dated a slew of rather grim suspects.
So often, when I give support to people in the comments section or when they email me, I say things like: You deserve better than that jerk, or You’re worth more than someone who ignores you and treats you badly. And, it’s true. No one deserves to be treated badly. But, we need to clean up too, before we begin to attract better quality people. We need to lose the labels we have created for of ourselves and simply learn better ways to behave.
Trouble with love addicts is, we don’t want to work on ourselves. And if we do, we want to do it within the safe confines of some bad relationship to keep us warm and comfy. So, basically here’s the absurdity of what we really want: we want to keep a neglectful, immature, avoidant, unloving guy around (for sex, friendship and love) while we become mature, optimistic, loving, self-sufficient, confident individuals.
Make sense? Heck, no.
We want the impossible; we want the absurd. And that doesn’t happen in real life. One of the hardest things to accept in recovery, one of the things we are most in denial about is that “like attracts like.” That we may be–gasp– as messed up as the neglectful, immature, avoidant bad boy we’re dating. That’s horrifying. But it’s one of the most important reason I constantly advise people to stop analyzing your partner and turn inward. It’s so much easier to analyze the faults and idiosyncrasies of others. Worse, it keeps you perpetually trapped in your own disease of avoiding yourself.
Here’s my unsolicited advice today: Love addiction is the avoidance of the Self. And when you avoid yourself and lose yourself in fantasy over the imagined love of “someone,” you are unable to recognize that YOU are the one that needs changing; you are the one that needs work. Take a good look at you and determine what changes need to be made to make you a better person. Start doing the work of changing today! And like it or not, you probably need to do this work alone. Recovery is a direction that takes you up and out of the hole you are in currently. Ditch the toxic relationship(s) and start climbing. Your life depends upon it.
Girl Rebuilt 
People are scared to be alone, you can only work on improving your self if you are alone! Plus I think most are lazy about putting the work in it takes to make the changes in their life! I have stayed alone a long time, to improve myself and live the way that will make me and others around me happy.
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“Love addiction is the avoidance of the Self” is one of the best definitions I’d ever run across after numerous books. So thank you!!
“A codependent is chronically uncentered and so they create a center within a person and that is where they put their focus” is one of the other best descriptions I’d ever heard.
Along with these and a slew of other books trying to find the answer, a ran across two that play into your self “diagnosis” descriptions above.
Childhood Emotional Neglect
https://blogs.psychcentral.com/childhood-neglect/2017/07/7-signs-you-grew-up-with-childhood-emotional-neglect/
Scattered by Gabor Mate
*Mate calls ADD “Attachment Deficit Disorder”
https://drgabormate.com/book/scattered-minds/
Thanks for your on going efforts towards healing and the truth!
Christopher
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Also, before there was the diagnosis of ADD, there was the Jungian archetype Puer Aeternus. While this focuses on the male gender, there is the female equivalent, the Puella.
Both are challenged with many of the above traits. In the end it’s about knowing the Self and relentlessly moving forward into growth. I think you’ll recognize what I’m talking about, either in the mates we seek, or in ourselves too.
Onward Ho! 🙂
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Puer_aeternus
“The “eternal child” in man is an indescribable experience, an incongruity, a handicap, and a divine prerogative; an imponderable that determines the ultimate worth or worthlessness of a personality.” [“The Psychology of the Child Archetype,” CW 9i, par. 300.]
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and one last bit to share, if you recognize any of the traits of Childhood Emotional Neglect and have experienced any lasting chronic pain…
I highly recommend the work of Dr John Sarno:
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I am so grateful for your blog. I’ve totally been in denial about potentially being a love addict yet to watch each relationship crash and burn is so exhausting and demoralizing. In fact, sometimes I would just whimper in pure exasperation when I met another “great guy” and he was doing the about-face and pulling away from me (again). I just never knew how to stop it, I could feel it in my bones, the guy I had such high hopes for was turning cold and insensitive and I had no idea how to stop it. I would then begin this critical self-analysis to figure out what turned him off and then vow never to repeat it. Not once, did I consider this was a theme! I also blindly allowed well-meaning girlfriends to remind me that I was smart, hot, funny, “a total catch” when these relationships were fizzling out (frankly, I do the same for them because sometimes we just don’t know any better). Passing this along to my fellow sisters, who may also relate to this stuff!
Thank you!!!!
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Thank you so much, Nina. And, denial over! Yay! Now you can begin to think differently about future relationships and yourself. Hope you keep reading 🙂
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