You know I’m always preaching about availability right? And my most important point is that if you get into a relationship with an unavailable person, you’re the one who is really unavailable. I can’t remember where, but I read a really fabulous article on how we make ourselves available. And one of the best “feng shui” things we can do is get rid of all the guy “friends,” and the “friends with benefits” and the ambivalent ones who haven’t made their move in two years. It turns out we tend to keep characters in our lives like this merely to pass the time and help us wait out the loneliness and boredom until someone real comes along. Trouble is, these types of guys do two detrimental things: they keep you from being 100% available by driving off potential suitors, and they don’t allow you to experience the true sense of aloneness that we all must, if we are to appreciate living a more authentic life.
What would happen if you got rid of these hangers on? What are you afraid of? Let go…
The other big move you can make to be more available is to stop dating or investing your time in unavailable partners. They waste your time, they keep you at a constant “safe” distance and they are unable to commit to a healthy relationship by holding up their end of the commitment. When you date a person like this, it leaves you unavailable for someone who is truly willing to love you and be committed to you.
I’ve had a few conversations this week with readers who find themselves in the common and oftentimes unavoidable trap of believing that “all men are unavailable.” I too thought ALL men were unavailable. I thought that all my life, and no, I never dated one healthy person prior to D. Not one (and I dated many!)
When you live in poverty, you see the world through the eyes of a hungry person. When you live in a crime-infested world, you see the world through the eyes of a criminal. And when you are a love addict, you see the world through the eyes of a person who has a very narrow, desperate sense of who people are.
This is a false belief. And when you have this false belief it gives you the freedom to continue to settle for unavailable avoidant partners. If you believe no one is available, then you will settle for unavailable.
My suggestion: surround yourself with healthy people, healthy couples. Familiarize yourself with what a healthy man looks like. I know that for many years I tried to avoid being in situations where I was in the presence of a healthy couple. They kinda made me want to gag! They made me jealous and feel like my own life was lacking. But the truth is, I needed to learn what to look for in a healthy partner because I had no clue.
Girl Rebuilt 
I love this Tracy! Thank you for your honesty about your past too. It helps me feel less alone.
I havent had one healthy relationship w a man yet, but i am determined to start from here. i DO have very loving healthy relationships w my women friends though. Even that took work for me to know and see i DESERVE it! Now on to practice w men. I am filling myself up as much as possible in every way…self care self care self care. Seeing the good in others…they are everywhere when my attitude good, and i look for evidence to support it. Thank god my ex-boyfriend broke it off w me, as i didnt have the guts (he knew this i believe) Now i am FREE and so excited!
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How nice to hear!!!
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I had no experience or any idea of what a good man or a healthy relationship looked like but after 2 years of being single, getting rid of all dead wood and travelling I became honest and open and met someone magical!
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Good for you! 🙂 How exciting.
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Love the idea of Feng Shui – ing my relationship energy. Thanks for this post!
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Anytime ml!
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Oh boy, i was so excited in my last post about my freedom etc. Now i am 4 months out of the relationship, and no matter how much i focus on self care, hobbies, my friends….i SO miss being in a relationship! The physical part especially. I want to cuddle and all that good stuff. I can see why people settle…it’s not easy to find an attractive healthy non-avoidant man over the age of 40 who is single! Tracy…how do you suggest we cope with this when it could go on for a very longgg time? I hear you about getting a full life, and not selling out for a crumbs relationship…but thats easier said than done i am realizing! To make matters worse, my ex would be happy to have a friends with benefits thing with me….UGH
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Hi Magicmuse, when you are taking the mental and emotional approach that you are “waiting” for the next great relationship to happen, or that you’re “coping” between relationships, you will, time and time again, find yourself unfulfilled and more prone to settle so as to get rid of those yucky feelings. And, while you may be lucky if the next relationship arrives sooner than later, that still doesn’t help you deal with the real issue: the fact that you are not accepting and appreciating your life AS IT IS NOW.
Having a full life, keeping busy and not settling for crumbs in a relationship is definitely part of growing up and becoming better at managing your life. But, there is a much deeper more meaningful approach to recovery, and to your life in general. It is let go of the idea of waiting. It is to think about your life as it is now and say, I am grateful for whatever it is. NOTHING can make it more complete than it is now. NOTHING can make me feel more fulfilled than I am now.
Love addicts tend to feel incomplete. We feel a void within us. And because we feel a void we forever seek to fill the void. So, we seek and when we don’t find, we wait, and we cope UNTIL we find someone to make us feel complete, filled.
My advice to you is that you are complete as is. Try to remove “want” and “need” from your vocabulary. Try to stop relying on the future, that it will bring you relationship.
One of the hardest things I allowed myself to face was my fear that I would NEVER have a relationship again. That I would die an old maid. I took that thought and said, well, then, what is the point of living if I will never know romantic love again? When I did an inventory on my life and finally looked at what it might mean to never be in love again, I realized, it wouldn’t be so bad. If you can get yourself to that place, I think life will take on a new light for you. Not only that, but when you put yourself in that place, you are less likely to settle. You won’t need the “friends with benefits” scenario. And while this may sound ascetic, it’s actually the opposite. You are allowing yourself, for the very first time to experience life and who you are, as you are. Not as you would like to be. I hope this helps!
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This really helps. Makes so much sense. Thank you!
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