This week I wanted to talk about your VIBE. We all have one. It’s that nameless, faceless energy that we all carry within us, that sends out magical, invisible signals about our core selves that others can usually sense. It’s what makes people say, “Yeah, she’s a generally happy person,” or “I always love being around him.”
But, as with all things, vibes especially, we have the ability to send out positive ones as well as negative. Case in point: When I was younger, my mother used to tell me that the reason I never attracted a great boyfriend (today we would use the word “healthy”) was because I was giving off the DESPERATE VIBE. When a guy would approach me, I got very serious and wanting and well, desperate. And as hard as it was to hear that, and as ugly a connotation as it was, looking back, I now know she was right.
I was giving off a desperate vibe because, well, I was desperate.
Trouble was, even after I learned about the whole vibe thing, I never knew how to change it. No matter how hard I tried, I always gave off the “desperate” vibe. That vibe, sadly, always attracted other desperate people. Or worse, it attracted weirdos.
So then, I would try to fake my vibe. Guess what? You can’t fake your vibe. I don’t know if there’s a book written on vibes (maybe I should write one), but I now consider myself an expert on vibes when I say, you just can’t fake a vibe.
Much later in life (age 40, actually), I gave up. I gave up being desperate. I gave up having any interest in dating. I even gave up trying to attract anyone. I simply enjoyed my life as is. Single. Guess what kind of vibe I gave off for the first time in my life? A HAPPY CONTENT VIBE. And guess what kind of guy I ultimately ended up attracting? A happy, healthy, content one.
The moral of this story is that like it or not, you’ve got a vibe and you can’t easily control it. It typically vibrates to the tune of where you are now in your life So…if you can’t control your vibe, what’s the point? Well, there is a point. First, you need to be cognizant of what your vibe is vibing…Do you have
a PARTY VIBE,
a GET AWAY FROM ME VIBE,
a DESPERATE VIBE,
a NEEDY VIBE,
a NEGATIVE VIBE
Or a HAPPY, HEALTHY PEACEFUL VIBE???
Once you figure that out, it’s a starting point. Your vibe is a clue to the challenges within you you may need to fix or address.
You also need to know that you are not your vibe. I know this because, on a good day, when I would focus on something that interested me and got really into it, there would a small window of time where I was giving off a happy vibe, and others took notice. Thing was, I couldn’t sustain it. I would quickly sink back down into depression and desperation because I would lose focus on this task (that created in me focus and contentment) and I would revert back to my previous task of seeking out a boyfriend and being rather miserable over the fact that I didn’t have one.
So, from my own experience, the only time I was capable of permanently changing my vibe was when I gave up hoping and dreaming for that very thing I wanted so much. Instead, I focused on what I had and said, “let me be happy with this!” At the time it wasn’t much. But I made the best of it. And when that happened, my whole disposition change. My energy changed. And after some time, I began to attract happier, healthier people.
This concept comes from The Law of Attraction. Read about it. There are several books on that topic.
Until then, what’s YOUR vibe? What would you like your vibe to be, and how do you plan on changing it?
Girl Rebuilt 
So true! Like attracts like, so we have to be conscious of what we are putting out there! Thanks for sharing!
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I think my vibe is either “desperate” (run, guys, run!) or else “stay away from me” because I cannot attract anyone at this point, jerk or nice.
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Ugh! I have been there. And hated that point of my life. Try to focus on the fact that it’s just a phase. And that it’s REALLY important to focus on finding something (not someone!) to love and get involved in that something. Pretend your fairy godmother came down from the heavens and told you, “Anna, the love of your life is about 2 years away. No matter what you do, what you look like or what you say, it won’t matter. He will find you. So, might as well not worry about it and simply ENJOY your life doing other things…” Sometimes when we think like this it takes the pressure off. We no longer have to go “hunting” for a man. 🙂
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Thank you! The truth is I am having BAD, BAD withdrawals right now. I just have broken up with a very abusive, narcissistic person who I know is bad for me. I’ve read your descriptions about people you’re ambivalent with and my relationship with him totally fits all that – I can’t stand to be around him but I also can’t stand to be ALONE. I am alone really for the first time in my life and it’s killing me. I could just break down at my desk and cry. I have no one to talk to about this. I’ve got a therapist but she’s out of town right now. I feel like going out and getting drunk – anything to dull the pain. God help me.
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I really hope you don’t turn to going out and getting drunk. That’s not the solution. ANd it won’t make you feel better. WHat I would like you to try is this: allow the pain. Feel it. Just sit with it. Experience it. Do it tonight after work. DOn’t turn on the TV, don’t stuff your face with food. Don’t turn to alcohol or the PoA. Just get to know this pain. Cry and scream and punch a pillow if you have to. But, you NEED to experience this. It will not kill you. But it will feel awful!!! That’s OK. One of the biggest reasons we cannot move away from our addictions is because we refuse to face our fear and face the pain. Also, read Filling the Void here http://thelovelyaddict.com/2011/01/07/filling-the-void/ And report back in the morning and let us know what happened! 🙂
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I read that blog on Filling the Void – it is so appropriate because I feel so EMPTY inside. I joined the Love Addicts forum and hope to get a lot out of that, being able to talk to other people going through the same things. I didn’t get drunk last night, I didn’t eat a bunch of food, I just felt pathetic and sorry for myself. I guess you have to do that sometime. I have been starting to think about WHY I’m a love addict and I think it’s because I didn’t have my dad in my life and always missed out on that and also I was always expected to have a boyfriend. I feel lost and like a loser without one! Thank you for being so patient with me and answering me personally.
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Not getting drunk or running to a PoA allowed you to finally begin to look at WHY you’re a love addict. This is a good direction. Hang in there. The pathetic, feel sorry for myself phase does not last unless you allow to. For now, it’s necessary. Experience it 🙂 You’re doing a great job!
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After 3 years comment 🙂 This is so true thank you for sharing. It made my day
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Reblogged this on Girl Rebuilt and commented:
Deserpate? Happy? Party? WHat’s your vibe????
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My vibe lately seems to be saying, “not for sale” and ” no fucks given” . I’ve been through too much, but for now, this is a step up for me. I am very nice to men when I talk to them, but I see them as regular people I am not interested in “that way”. I don’t expect anything anymore – not even for anyone to follow up with a date if they contact me later – because a lot of men where I live are involved in layers of deep dysfunction (strange small town.) But my standards have risen..I found out my Vitamin D levels were really low, so I am working on my health and trying to get more balanced emotionally for a while before I start working on my vibe. But for not it is pleasant and detached. I am enjoying this break and want to get back to enjoying my life when I feel better.
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You actually sound like you’re in a pretty good place. 🙂 I remember that feeling of just being DONE with men. Interestingly I wasn’t jaded. Just done. It was the perfect place to be. A town of dysfunctional men??? Sounds like it would make a fabulous Netflix series. 😉
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