There’s a hole in a donut. There’s a hole in a car tire. There’s NOT a hole in you.
I need to come out and say that right from the start, because I believe it’s one of the most important lessons any addict needs to learn in order to fully recover. It’s a Hollywood fallacy. It’s misinformation. Somewhere along the line, maybe in some self-help book, we were taught to believe that we have a void inside us, and that notion is, simply, wrong.
Part of my recovery, part of many traditional recovery plans, was learning how to “fill the void,” that aching, empty, bottomless pit inside your soul, the “hungry heart,” as Susan Peabody calls it, that feeling of needing SOMETHING that if you don’t find it or get it or stuff yourself with it, it keeps you from feeling whole and complete. So, being the insecure, unhealthy people we are, we tend to fill that void with garbage—we latch onto destructive people, get involved in inappropriate relationships, take drugs, have sex, smoke pot, spend money, overeat, drink. All the while believing that if we found the right stuff to fill ourselves with, that empty feeling would go away.
But it doesn’t.
And the truth is, anyone who has ever suffered, anyone who has ever lost a loved one, there is a real, physical feeling of emptiness. If I pay close attention when I am sad, I can actually FEEL a void in my heart. And yet, I ask you to believe that there isn’t one.
What if that empty feeling was not an actual empty space inside you that needed to be filled? What if there was no void? What if that empty feeling is just part of you?
What if you sat in a room with it and experienced it instead of trying to stuff something in it, hide it or cover it up with love, sex, drugs, or food? What if you just accepted it like a flaw, like a dimple or a slight indentation in your skin? Something you cannot get rid of; something you must make peace with and accept?
I suggested this idea to someone in a love addicts anonymous meeting once, and the response I got was, “Thanks. That would be nice. But there really is a void there. I know it, I feel it and it’s the driving force behind all my actions.” But you see, it’s the opposite of a phantom limb–that sensation of a limb still being there that an amputees feels when there’s really no limb there. With addicts, we have the limb, we just don’t acknowledge that it exists. The way we perceive ourselves, instead, is incomplete. How we learned to perceive ourselves as incomplete is Freudian. It comes from our childhood.
But trust me. You have no void. You are complete.
So, how do you get rid of the feeling or perception of that void? Well, this is what I did. And, of course, it goes back to your addiction. When S left me after an 8-month relationship that I thought was my last; after he told me, “I don’t think I love you. I think I made a mistake,” I locked myself in my room for four days straight one week and I sat with it. For the first time ever, instead of curling up and rocking, trying to avoid the emptiness, or running out and trying to find someone else to replace S, or shoving food in my face, or drinking myself into an oblivion, I let it in–the pain that is. I told myself, “This is a part of me, so I will experience it, know it and accept it.” And I did. Andit was excrutiating at times. And every time it crept up on me, that feeling of being hungry for something, anything, (and there were lots of times, even after the four days in lockdown), I said, “This is a trick.” And it was. It was and is a psychological trick. And eventually, just like making peace with a missing limb, I started to be OK with the idea that, even if it felt like there was nothing there, there really was. And I started to understand that nothing, after all, was missing. There was no void. I am whole. And once I got that, I stopped trying to fill myself with garbage. Suddenly, there was no point.
”There are only two types of people in the world: those who try to stuff their inner emptiness, and those very rare precious beings who try to see the inner emptiness. Those who try to stuff it remain empty, frustrated. They go on collecting garbage, their whole life is futile and fruitless. Only the other kind, the very precious people who try to look into their inner emptiness without any desire to stuff it, become meditators.” –Osho
Today’s obvious advice: sit with the empty feeling as long as you can. Experience it. You’re not going to like it at first. But you’ll adapt. You’ll acclimate yourself. Human beings are resilient. Addicts are especially resilient. Pain is something we’ve been avoiding for a long time. That’s the purpose of our addiction–to cover up the pain, to shroud it. But let it in like the wild roller coaster ride that it is. Let it exhilarate you instead of crush you.
Girl Rebuilt 
what a empowering thought, i really want to get in touch with that same feeling and embrace it and not make it my enemy anymore.
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Awesome! I know it’s hard. But your mind is your best tool in your recovery. I have to really kind of sit with a yucky feeling tonight and instead of “numbing” it away, I think I’ll try to really experience it. The more you do this, the better at LIVING you get. xo
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Hi!! this article you wrote is amazing, thank you. I am in the process of stop hating myself, avoiding myself, and lying to myself that there is a whole inside of me that I have to fill.
I have this empty feeling as you had, and I need to confess that I do not like to feel this feeling, so that is why I have been acting all these time like a desperate woman who has to fill this “hole” in some way to stop feeling this emptiness and feel me complete. But I will try to do the things you did to stop lying to myself about that “hole”.
Thank you
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Thanks a ton for taking a few minutes to line this all out for people. This write-up ended up being quite helpful if you ask me.
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I want to say Thank You, Thank You, And Thank You! I wondered if others were out there experiencing and writing about this topic and I found your article and am truly inspired by it. It makes perfect sense and I appreciate that you shared this publicly so that a person like myself could come to find it. I will continue to share for others to see.
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Hi Alicia– Glad to hear it helps! Thanks for reading and thanks for sharing 🙂
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Out of emptiness comes fullness…That’s the basis of many philosophies and religions. Pain is a part of life and those who run away and distract themselves are missing the point that pain is simply one of many feelings that they will encounter in their lives. Sit with it and it will dissipate into a sense of calm. In a way, pain initiates the impulse to love and to create… It offers a rebirth into the sense of the Divine via a connection with ourselves at a deeper level. Sometimes the things we do to distract from our sense of being disconnected and in pain are a form of poison as they keep us divided from ourselves. Pain is a warning to pay attention to a part of our lives that as yet remains unexpressed or unaddressed. Sometimes we mistake the source of our pain as coming from outside rather than within and push away the very people or things that we need to heal the rift between our desire and our fear. Pain is a primal cry for help and deliverance from something that has wounded us and cries out to be heard. It’s like a baby crying in the night to be held and comforted and fed with something to restore the hunger in the belly. As an adult you can provide your own sustenance by making wise choices about how to fill your life to feel content. Practice patience during the process. Connect with good people and good causes; create and give without expecting anything in return; eliminate harm and maximise good thoughts and actions. Forgive yourself and others for being human and making mistakes. Accept yourself as you are and try to grow up and be responsible for your choices and the impact that they have on yourself and others. Pain is merely a sign that you are human and are responding to “a sense of” loss, change, grief or injury. Better to feel pain than to feel numb and detached as it challenges you to find a means to change your “natural” response or reaction into something healthier and more fulfilling. Pain is a sign that we were deeply attached to something or someone and the loss is hurting us. In a way, pain, grief and loss are inseparable components of love and deep attachment. A child cries when it loses its favourite toy; so too do we weep at the loss of something precious that we cherished. Pain reminds us of our attachment to ideals or objects outside ourselves that brought us pleasure. Mourning is a part of life that needs to be worked through rather than avoided, and pain reminds us that we need to take time to accept our feelings and find healthy ways to embrace, express and release them.
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this so wise and lovely…speaks to me in a very healing way. thank you
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Thank you so much, this really helped me today.
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Fascinating! I feel like the reason I have spent years moving from one addiction to another is that I am afraid of looking at myself like you suggest. Action is the enemy of thought and means I spend my time runnIng away from myself instead of confronting these feelings head on. A brilliant article
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Thanks! Glad it shines a little light on to your situation. And yet, I’m a bit confused when you say “action is the enemy of thought.” There are two types of action, from what I have learned: wasted action that we do to cover up or distract ourselves from our real life, and right action, which needs to occur in order to live out our life. I spent MANY years in wasted action mode, running around like a chicken with its head cut off. I’d like to believe that now, I mostly take right action, toward meeting my goals. How about you??
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Article is great & thought provoking…What if the hole we feel is necessary in finding and solidifying a mate or life partner what if it is what keeps us with one another? Now when I look at my emptyness as a nessesity in the circle of life, I understand its ok now to have a purpose, a drive to connect with someone and often it can be this person I am longing to connect with is Me.
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Interesting point. But, Have you ever loved someone or been in relationship where you felt WHOLE and COMPLETE all on your own, and you also felt you were with someone who was also WHOLE and COMPLETE. It’s a FANTASTIC feeling. There is no “need” or “ulterior motive” anchoring us together. We are not together because the other person fills our void, and therefore, there is no guilt or co-dependency. We simply love each other for the whole person we are. I kinda like that a lot better. 🙂
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Good question and it sounds really nice….um I think I was quite the narrsasist there for a while, loved attention and was very mindless of others hearts, had alot of relationship where I didnt really need the perrson just was with them as a bonus to my already seemingly fun life, It hurt alot of people. I eventually left all of them. I ended up in a lot of relationships with codependant people as well. Which caused me to develop a fear of being trapped and so I would choose relationships that had no chance. I have recently desided to open my heart back up to one of my exes who was an amaizing partner, with no expectations or promises just real organic growth and well ill let you know how it goes lol 🙂
I have plans to travel and he understands that.
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💜
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your post is invaluable.. I can relate to word by word of your post .
I truly appreciate sharing it …… 🙂
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This is the best blog I have ever read. The absolute best. Many of the comments made it even better. Thank you SO much for helping me. This is a true gem.
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Hey there,
i read your article and thought it was a good slant on things which offered a different veiw on things. I dont fully agree with all of it, for example what if you already embrace and truely feel the pain and sadness and grief which is hiding behind addiction? What if you accept these things but still feel a void? Are you supposed to carry on feeling these things which are truely painful, because fingers crossed you will learn to adapt and embrace them? If there actually is a void or unsettled, uncontented part of you which you’re trying to fill by drugs, alcohol, sex, food or whatever, wouldn’t it be sensible to look inside yourself and find what it is rather than live in misery trying to ride
out the suffering?
Plus no two people are the same isnt it possible that other explanations or solutions maybe possible for different people?
I will definately keep an open mind though, thanks
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Hi Bec. Thanks for your post! And yes, we are all different and have different solutions to our problems. The idea of making peace with the void that we feel is inside of us comes from the idea that there’s an emptiness in us at all. SOmetimes when we vizualize an emptiness or a void, we subconsciously want to fill it. Well, if you started to vizualize that there is no emptiness inside of us, then why try to fill it? You, on the other hand, are talking about pain and suffering. Those are different vizualizations and they need to be addressed, not ignored. Pain is a message. It’s telling you something is wrong. And when something is wrong we immediately try to address it as best we know how–but there are healthy ways of addressing pain, and unhealthy ways. When you get a cut on your arm, inflamation takes over. It looks ugly (it turns blacka and blue or you get a scab), but inflammation is the body’s way of healing. WHen there is pain or trauma to our psyche, an inflammation of sorts has to take over. FOr the love addict it tends to be obsession over someone or a relationship. We try to “heal” our pain and suffering with relationships. In reality, we are simple picking at an open wound over and over and over, trying to remove it from our body, which is essentially causing the sore to grow larger and larger. This is obviously the wrong tactic. We instead need to find healthier ways to heal, which sometimes means letting the body, mind and spirit heal itself. This means not covering the pain up, or trying to stuff the emptiness you may feel with fruitless things. Figure out WHERE the pain is coming from and address it. Nine times out of ten it’s not the person you are addicted to that is the cause of your pain. It’s something a lot deeper that you need to resolve on your own. SOmething you are afraid of, that, once you face it, the pain goes away. Does that make sense? Read “the 500-pound elephant” blog and “the battle within” to help.
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So your gay ass advice on just sitting and feeling the pain makes no sense. Obviously one would need to find out why they hurt. So basically, you’re saying, don’t visualize a “hole” in you…instead of filling it with garbage, sit with it and become at “peace” with it….one of the stupidest things over read. Be at peace. We’ll shit…so in all this agony and pain, I just need to think about being at peace. And handle my emotions in a healthy way. No fucking shit. That’s why we’re here in this site…so…what does one do when exercise, diet, yoga, and meditation don’t really…bring your pain at peace? The fuck then? Just keep sitting in pain and hope it goes away….thank god for people you. I feel millions of people are all at, “peace” now. Never thought of that one before…
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Hi Stu,
Sorry you’re in pain and my advice isn’t working for you. Sometimes that happens. Keep searching. Never stop searching. Someone will have the right answers for you.
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Reblogged this on Big and Beautiful Ladies and commented:
A post about embracing our bodies for the things they do.
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Awesome. Thanks!~
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Are you aware of how amazing this article is? I mean, I assume you are but I deeply would like you to know again. Dear god.
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Thank you! You just made my day. 🙂
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Wow. I had no idea it was that simple…there isn’t a hole in me…just sit there and be sad…hmm…yeah. fucking gay.
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Hi Stu,
Sorry you’re in pain and my advice isn’t working for you. Sometimes that happens. Keep searching. Never stop searching. Someone will have the right answers for you.
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Hi, Lovelyjune. How are you? i would like to ask some questions. i am a love addict, who was in a relationship with love avoidant. my boyfriend left me seven months ago, i was in a lot of pain at first, but after five months things started to go better. i missed him still, i thought of him as a very special person, but tried to manage my life as best i can and focused on my career. i didn’t weep anymore and strarted to feel more confident about myself. it was until yesterday. i was sitting in a bar with some friends of mine and noticed PoA staring at me. he was with some girl. i did’n see him all those months, no calling no texting. i began to shake, almost burst into tears, payed my bill and literally ran out of there. came home and felt all my withdrawal coming back. today was horrible: teary eyes, phone checking maybe he wrote me (WHYYYY WOULD HE???), couldn’t concentrate. thats how i felt most of the time in our relationship after honeymoon faze was over and five months after that. but now IT”S BEEN SEVEN MONTHS, i was so much better!!!! WHY my withdrawal started again?? and yes after our separation i still can’t think of any man. they don’t interest me at all, i can not think about sex, is this gonna pass? i don’t know why, but in my mind he is still the only one. it’s absurd, because he was never there for me, but always told he loved me. he was very interesting as a person but avoided intimacy at any cost. he has nothing to give me. i understand that, but my emotions has different opinion about that, that’s for sure. am i always gonna feel so much pain after i meet him? am i recovering at all? seven months for god’s sake!!!!! thatnk you for reading this.
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Hello underwater!
This is a VERY typical thing you are going through. You work very hard at recovery, become confident and then suddenly, when you bump into the PoA everything seems to fall apart.
Re-read your message. In the beginning you talk about you and your confidence and how far you have come and the pain you endured. By the end of your message, after you have seen him, you are trying to convince me (and yourself) that he was a dream guy and “the only one.”
The truth is, the voice in your is dictating what you believe. He’s not the one. But, you are telling yourself he is. And then, you’re whole body believes it. Start to change the script in your head to a more REALISTIC one: he never had time for me, I cried all the time I was with him, he had nothing to give, he is an avoidant, I didn’t receive the love from him that I deserve and that I crave…etc. You would not describe someone who is “the one” like this. You would not describe a soulmate or a loving partner in this way. Re-focus on the FACTS and remind yourself that how you feel emotionally is not a good indicator of reality. It is merely the child in you, crying out for what it wants but cannot have. Hope this helps!
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thank you for your reply. the hardest part for me always were irrational thoughts. my mind plays an old tape about him being the only one, my inner child cries as if my mother died for the second time. my childhood was happy, me and my mother was very close. so i do not know why i am a love addict. is it possible, that i became a love addict because of my moters death? But i was 24 at that time, not a child. my family fell apart after that, my brother became a drug addict. is it possible cause of love addicion that i have? it is’nt the first time my brain tries to convince me that some boy was “the one”. and after every separation i feel enormous pain, as if my life was over. i didn’t know what was wrong with me until i found out about this addiction. gonna do my best to heal. thank you for your blog, you are a lifesaver.
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It sounds like you may have addiction in your family. I too had a great relationship with my mother, but, my mother and father, while they appeared to have a very loving relationship, were and narcissist and codependent mix. They taught me, as a woman, that it is OK to be treated poorly and ignored. So, I just looked for that, or rather, settled for that in relationships. The addictive personality inside me simply clung to anyone I happened to be dating at the time. Remember too that love addiction is a coping strategy. You USE love and relationships to avoid the responsibilities of your life and the chance to grow up. Love addicts are more avoidants–they avoid facing themselves by focusing on a person they desire. My guess is you learned to love this way at some point. You can unlearn it! No worries! 🙂 You will heal 🙂
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ARE YOU WRITING THIS ARTICLE BASED ON YOUR OWN EXPERIENCE
COS ITS SO EASY TO SAY BUT HAVE YOU LIVED IT ?
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Lived it! Been there! Done that! 🙂
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I like what I just read. I’ve been trying to fill the void all my life. Taking your advice to accept this seemingly emptiness realizing I am actually whole but with a defect. I’m tired of using cause when I’m done. I still feel empty.
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Hang in there Arnold. Practice! Feeling “whole” doesn’t happen overnight. Be patient with yourself. 🙂
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That is a really insightful piece. Thankyou.
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You’re welcome! And thanks for reading! 🙂
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Amazing article!!! I asked Google for help a few minutes ago by putting “addiction to inner void” into the search bar and was immediately led to your site. Funny, I can accept “what is” on so many levels but started wondering very recently if I am addicted somehow to a feeling of inner emptiness whether I am truly empty or not. Love the idea that this feeling is a trick, a reverse phantom limb. Thank you so much for that image! And for reminding me of the value of just sitting with myself whatever that self is experiencing.
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