This is not me, but it sure feels like it sometimes
This is not me, but it sure feels like it sometimes

Lately, I have been hit by some huge stressors in my life. For starters, I took on a job teaching Writing at a local college. I also go to graduate school on Monday nights, take care of my kids as much as humanly possible and work part time doing design work for a company. As I was adjusting to all that new stuff in my life (grad school and teaching), I was hit on the head by a garage door and incurred a concussion. Once I healed from the concussion, and adapted to my new schedule (still not entirely there), I got hugely angry with the people at my design job for not including me on a pretty big project. This caused my brother and I to fight and blah, blah, blah…I won’t go into too much detail. But I will say, I just feel as though I can’t handle stress at all! I have incredibly low tolerance for dealing with the world and everything seems to set me off. Ironically, and for the first time in my life EVER, I have no guy issues. But now, all that anger and frustration that I had with the men I dated has funneled into other areas of my life. It’s almost as if I am simply an angry, frustrated person no matter what. And that it has to manifest itself or I’ll be all clogged up. Well…I don’t like it. I am angry with my anger! I am frustrated with my frustration! Enough already. I need to get a backbone and stop letting things affect me. Here’s are my goals…

  1. Deal with anger issues before they get out of control
  2. work on strengthening my ability to withstand stress in the workplace or anywhere else for that matter
  3. Go easy on myself. I’m way too tough.
  4. Stop seeing things in black and white, good and evil. There’s a lot of gray.
  5. Let things go. Don’t hold on to them. Don’t let “things” or “issues” control me or have power over me.
  6. Remember my own personal strength and draw power from it—too often I forget that I have a right just like any to exist and have opinions and wants and needs.
  7. Don’t sweat the small stuff.
  8. Be more peaceful and loving to your children. Aside from myself, they are my biggest investment.
  9. Let go of the FEAR (fear of death and sickness and being out of control)! I am possessed by it sometimes and I forget to just LIVE.
  10. Continue to meditate. It helped in the past and it will continue to help if I let it.

2 thoughts on “Goals

  1. How weird T, I too had exactly the same issue to deal with back in August!!!!!!!!!! I really hit a point were I seemed to be angry with everything and kept blowing my top. I had an argument with a family memeber and I am ashamed to say in frustration I picked up the salt and pepper pots on the table and threw them into the garden buses ( we were eating outside). I was stunned as were the family memebers. I also had an argument with a girl riding her bike on the pavement when there was a cycle path on the road right next to her ( I mean come on!!).

    I went away on holiday in August determined to do somehting about it and actually a little worried. A freind who will do straight talking with me told me I had to sort it out. I knew he was right. The hard bit though was the fact that I was going on holiday with the family memeber I argued with. WHAT A TEST, I bought a book ( as usual 🙂 ) called ‘beating anger’ by mike fisher , its good actually. And I just decided as well to keep myself in check.

    I did the first part of the book, then put it to one side and forgot about it. The weird thing is I didnt blow my top once. The other family member was as awkward as ever ( yes its not just me, people are hard work), I decided to no longer engage in it and simply watch it from the outside. IT WORKED.

    Now if you knew me personally you would know I am very very feisty. I always defend my corner, often stupidly. This was a huge achievement.

    Since then I have transferred it to other ares of my life, I just feel the anger and let it go. The thought comes in , the anxiety rises, then I choose to let it go. I’m not suggesting this is easy. But there is definately some connection to my recovery and this. Its like realising that I have control of my emotions. So even when I no longer have to conciously apply it to situations with men I do in fact have to apply it to other areas of my life. I needed to take control every where. I am doing this. The change is tremendous. I still get cross, don’t get me wrong, but practising letting go has become the key. I don’t want to be that angry girl anymore.

    The other day the bus was late. I’m pretty sure it got stuck in traffic and although it was going to make my son late for school I thought”oh well don’t sweat it” , now I work form home so I can do this , I know if i had a mean boss I might not think like this, but still. When the bus came another girl got on and shouted at the bus driver , it was ugly and didnt seem to make the situation any better for her. I was happy to sit down with my ipod and know I didnt want to be that girl. I had let go of the irritation and was swelling with joy as much as ever.

    I hope this helps a bit.

    I feel for you…. keep us posted .



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